Lisa Haberman: Bio and OverviewBio:Lisa
is the older sibling of a brother (36) with Autism.She received her BA in Special Ed. and a Masters in Social Work
(Yeshiva University - Wurzweiler School of Social Work).
Overview:
I’m going to give you some information based on my education, experiences of
growing up with an autistic brother, and from working as a professional in the field with
families. Growing up, my parents kept my brother home and ignored what they were
told which was to put him in an institution and get on with their lives.They did with him what we now do with children in
early intervention programs. I remember
having people in and out on a regular basis working with him. My parents always kept me involved and informed to
the best they could for a young child.As I
got older, I was kept more informed and got involved at a young age working with other
children with disabilities.For the
last 10 years I’ve been working with families and their children ages birth to five.In my spare time I try to help others by sharing
my knowledge and experiences.My thesis in
school was autism and the family with a focus on sibling issues.
Sibling issues
are an area that is fairly new to the field and there is not a lot of research in this
area at the present time.
Attitudes toward
the disabled child are a main factor in how efficient the family as a whole manages to
deal with this stressful situation.The type
of a relationship the normal siblings are able to have with their disabled sibling.
It is important
to realize that parent’s are not always aware the effect an autistic sibling has on
the other sibling(s).The parents may need to
give them some guidance in dealing with their issues.Conflicts are resolved when parents reach an awareness of the social
implications the autistic sibling has on the rest of the children.The parents need to find a way to compensate for
the disadvantages the normal children my have.One
of two extremes can occur.The parents become
overprotective of the child and the other siblings become resentful, or the parents become
resentful and the sibling become very caring.The
family may become so dedicated to the autistic children that that they may forget to
develop a relationship with the other children.If
this happens, the normal sibling may become resentful because of added responsibilities
that may be placed on them, being treated as an adult before they’re ready.As they get older, they may be deprived of normal
activities and lack of social interactions with peers is very common.Parents may not be aware of this since the
siblings may not be aware of this them selves and just see what accepted because of their
autistic sibling.They may not even be aware
they’re doing this themselves.Growing
up, there were times I was resentful, embarrassed of my brother.I never realized this at the time until I started
looking back and realized these feelings were normal and it was all right to have them.I also never verbalized my feelings about my
brother to my parents.I guess I felt they
had enough to deal with and didn’t want to bother them.It’s important for parents to ask siblings
about their feelings, needs, and thoughts.Looking
back, I kept to myself and didn’t bring many friends home that I socialized with at
school.The reason was I was fearful of their
reaction to my brother.First-born siblings
are more likely than younger siblings to praise, teach and display dominant behaviors with
their autistic sibling.More positive
behaviors have been associated with siblings widely spaced in age.Those closer in age will sometimes display more
jealousy and aggression.It is normal that
the sibling wants there own life, not be a babysitter or helper.They may move out before they’re ready or
retaliate against their parents in any number of ways.It’s more difficult when there’s a stepparent involved.
The second
scenario I mentioned, when the parents become resentful, and the siblings become caring.The parent’s are not uncaring, but may be
neglectful at times of learning to help the child.This
can take place in many ways and leaves the non-disabled sibling in charge.This happens when the parents feel over burdened
due to the special responsibility the autistic child requires on top of their regular
everyday responsibilities.When this happens,
caring siblings take on the parental role and pick up the slack.This needs to be questioned especially when
it’s the younger sibling taking over.The
caring sibling begins to get more responsibility from the parents and accepts the role
with little or no question.They think
it’s just normal and part of growing up, is to take on more to help the sibling
who’s not able to.When this occurs,
siblings still go though periods of resentment at some time.It may even happen more.The parents also sometimes have increased
expectations of the normal sibling and may not even be aware of this.Parents feel it makes up for the deficits of the
disabled sibling.As a result, most siblings
feel more unspoken pressure to succeed in life and do this at the unrealized expense of
other areas like socializing with friends.Cultural
issues also play a role in the family.
It is important
to have good communication within the family and keep the normal siblings up to date and
involved in decisions as much as possible.My
parents always explained things and kept me involved in what was going on with my brother.Another area is feelings.Feelings vary in intensity and it’s important
for families to help the children deal with them in an open, honest fashion.Negative feelings are also normal and due to a
variety of reasons and need to be acknowledged and discussed as well.It may be hard for the child to even realize or
admit their feelings and some times parents just have to be aware of what’s going on
and try to engage the child to be open with you and whatever they are feeling is normal
and alright.
With older
siblings, parents sometimes expect them to care for their disabled sibling.This is something I cannot stress enough that
needs to be discussed.This can be a very
hard burden that puts a strain on the sibling’s present and future relationships.It needs to be discussed early and openly.It is important to peak to your family lawyer
about estate planning.
Frustration and
embarrassment are very common feelings felt by siblings.They may be fearful as they get older that friends don’t accept them
because of their disabled sibling.This
sometimes continues throughout their entire life and they may wonder if they’ll ever
get married or have a family of their own.It
is normal that siblings may feel the same ambivalent feelings as their parents.This includes rejection, doubt, anger, fear,
embarrassment, confusion and jealousy just to name a few.I feel it is very important to keep the entire family involved as much as
age appropriate with the ongoing information and decision-making process.In my own experience my parents included me in as
much decision making as possible, and because of this I am grateful.
